Things I'm Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts
by MusicalGeek98
Summary: Just some things not premitted in Hogwarts school of witch-carft and wizardry
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**. Hello Potheads *ahem* Potterheads, I am new to this Fandom so please be kind

Yes I have decided to do the story of things banned at Hogwarts; it is a highly overused plotline (type thing). But everyone I've seen makes me laugh

Sadly I got most of these from the internet, so I can't claim THEM but I will write some so I'll put the number/s at the bottom

**Disclaimer:** I will never own, get it? Okay let's move on

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><p><strong>Thing's I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts:<strong>

1)I will not try to 'convert' the Hufflepuff's

2)I am not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur

3)Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for an indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.

4)I will not attempt to recreate The Key to Time in Transfiguration class.

5)A Time Turner is not a flux capacitor and I should therefore not install one in any muggle car

6)– no matter how 'awesome' it would be

7)I will not call Professor Snape a 'failed attempt at an emo'

8)I will not call Hufflepuffs 'spares'

9)– then shout 'KILL THE SPARE'

10)"OMGWTF" is not a proper spell.

11)I will not under any circumstance ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

12)I will not sell Harry- 2 Voldemort-0 t-shirts

13)I will not answer every one of Professor Lupin's questions with 'are you fucking Sirius?'

14)I will not ask Sirius Black if he was prisoner 24601

15)Ravenclaws are not 'crazies in training'

16)'I've heard all the jokes about Oliver Wood's name' is NOT a challenge

17)"Draco Malfoy takes it up the Arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant

18)I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

19)I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT shirt to school

20) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug a Slytherin" day.

21)The Gryffindor lion is not aslan

22)Nor is it Rumbleror

23)I will not draw a smiley face with a snake for a tongue on a class mates arm and claim it's a 'homemade dark mark'

24)I will not take a life insurance policy on my defence against the darks Professor

25)– or on Harry Potter

26)I will not sing if I were a rich man in front of the Weasleys

27)I will not make a pin up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it "voldie's angels"

28)I will not leave my dormitory when there is a visitor from the ministry

29)I will not yell "VOLDEMORT" in a crowded corridor

30)I will not call voldemort "the-man-who-let-the-boy-who-lived-live-seven-times

31)I will not call Lucuis Malfoy 'Luscious Mouthful'

32)I will not call Lucuis Malfoy 'my sugar daddy'

33)– then request he hit me with his pimp cane

34)I will not yell 'BELIVE IT...OR NOT' after Dumbledore's speeches

35)I will not scream 'AH GINGER' when I see a Weasley

36)I will not put up a Zefron poster because 'it looks boss'

37)I will not call Professor a horrid bitch and ask her what she wants when she tries to take down said Zefron poster

38)I will not ride a thestel and yell 'YE HAW'

39)I will not call Harry 'Batman'

40)I will not call Ron 'Robin'

41)I will not call Hermione 'Batgirl'

42)– or Catwoman

43)I will not ask Umbridge if she got my text

44)And then ask why she didn't text me back

45)I will not put a leash around fenrir's neck and say 'does fanny-wenny wanna go walkies?'

46)I will not bring red vines into my potion

47)-when Professor Snape asks me why answer 'Red Vines: What the hell can't they do?'

48)I will not give Voldemort a 'Born this way' t-shirt that says 'Nose' on

49)I will not call Draco Malfoy 'the new Barbie boy'

50)I will not tell Luna Lovegood there is a crumplehorned snorcrux in Professor Lockhart's hair

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><p><strong>AN**: Okay so that's it for now, if you want more I will need reviews, so review!

So the ones I did were numbers: 7,8,9,23,35,36,37,39,40,41,42,43,44,46,47 ,48,49,50 (someone probably made them up before me so sorry if I stole yours)

Basically any with an AVPM/AVPS reference in them

*A Very Potter Musical, a Very Potter Sequel


	2. Starkid

**A/N: - Hello again, you have come back for another chapter of this pitiful fanfic I call my own**

**I decided to do another chapter because there weren't enough starkid references in the previous, so enjoy fellow StarKids**

**If you haven't watched A Very Potter Musical or/and A Very Potter Sequel I suggest you watch them now**

**Watched them yet? Okay let's start**

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><p>I will not ask Dumbledore if there is a hidden swimming pool in Hogwarts<p>

I will not ask Goyle if he rules

I will not ask Draco Malfoy how to get to pigfarts

I will not ask Professor Lupin to sing

I will not ask Hermione to draw

I will not call Draco Malfoy 'Drahco Malloy'

I will stop asking Lucuis Malfoy to dance with me

I will not call Professor Snape 'Sour Grapes Snape'

I will not bring red vines to my Charms class

I will not ask the Centaurs to teach me to dance

I will stop putting up Zefron posters everywhere

I must not sing 'Granger Danger' around both Ron Weasley or Draco Malfoy

I will not chant 'Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy' when Hermione gives me book

I will not ask Professor Lupin if he ate shit

I will not say 'Harry Potter the famous basted' everytime I see Harry Potter

I will not shout 'FIND' everytime I see Cedric Diggory

I must not call Cho Chang an imposter on the grounds that she doesn't have a Texas accent

I will not call out 'go home terrorist' whenever I see Professor Quirrel

I will not call everything 'SuperMegaFoxyAwesomeHot'

I will not ask Dumbledore if Rumbleroar is real

I will not shout 'did your turban just sneeze?' as loud as I can in Professor Quirrel's class

I will not ask Voldemort if he would like to dance again

I will stop saying ' You know who I think is the ugliest girl in the school...that Hermione Granger if I were to give her a rating with 1 being the ugliest and 10 being the prettiest I would give her an...8...an 8.5...NOT OVER a 9.8 I mean there's always room for improvement not everyone can be perfect like me that why I'm holding out for a 10 because I'm worth it' in front of Hermione

– or Draco Malfoy

I must not tell Ron to not tell a girl you like him on the grounds that it looks stupid

I will not call Hermione 'the .coolest bitch on earth goddamm it'

I will not clap in Ginny Weasleys face and shout 'Stupid sister'

– nor may I do it if I shout 'Racist Sister'

I will not call Harry Potter 'Starkid Potter'

– or MoonShoes Potter

I will not shout 'if anyone were hiding under an invisibility cloak in here, surely they'd have the good sense to SHUT UP.' When I know Harry is under the invisibility cloak

Whenever someone ask me where something is I must not reply by shouting 'THATS IN CANADA'

I will not steal Harry Potter's invisibility cloak to kick wiener dogs

I will not shout 'IM IN A RAGE, THIS IS THE MADDEST I'VE EVER BEEN' when I'm slightly irritated

I will not make my life like _'Spiderman 3'_...god I hated that movie

I will not ask Ron if he gets feeling in his chest and he just knows there her fault..._That bitch_

When Hogwarts is attacked I must not shout 'IM TIRED CANT WE JUST BE DEATH-EATERS'

I must not try the spell 'Accio Doublestuff'

I must not shout 'THATS ANSURD' in professor Snape's class

I must not shout 'I want Hermione Granger...and a rocket ship' around Draco Malfoy

I will not call the Hufflepuffs 'JIgglypuffs'

I will not say 'ah magic' whenever someone disapparates

I will not ask Professor Lupin if he likes to dance with animals

I will not call Neville Longbottom 'Schlongbottom'

I will not introduce myself by stating that I am a racist I despise gingers and mudblood I hate Gryffindor house and my parents work for the man who killed your parents do you want to be my friend?

I will not draw pictures of Potter being hit in the head with a Quaffel

I will not shout 'HE'S GAY YOU CRAZY BITCH' whenever I see Professor Dumbledore talking to a female member of staff

I will not call Hermione 'Hery-one'

– and call her a butt

I will not call Draco Malfoy a 'Fucking Elf'

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><p><strong>AN:- That was a bit of a fail but at least i got 50 Starkid refrences in here! (there are 50 i wrote them myself i just can't be bothered to put numbers so sue me) Please Review, please i'm begging**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N. To my few readers I say Hello again! This is the third instalment into this fic**

**I don't see where this is going, but I could, after this chapter, write little stories about some characters actually doing the things on this list. Sound good? Tell me in the reviews or PM me. (I love getting !)**

**Disclaimer: If I owned HP, I would be living in Hawaii and have James or Oliver Phelps as my husband, but I can safely say the books wouldn't have been half as long or successful, so it's lucky I don't own it (Ramble Over)**

Seamus Finnegan is not "after me lucky charms"

I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends"

I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends"

I will not call the Defence against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny.

- Even if he is wearing a orange coat

I will not refer to Kingsley Shacklebolt as "Big Black Sex Auror".

Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labelled "fire whiskey".

Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy on school grounds is not permitted, not even for entertainment purposes.

First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.

. First years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping

I will not tell the First Years Professor Snape is the Voice of God.

I will not dress up in a dementor suit and use a dust buster on Harry's lips to get him to do what I want.

I will not start food fights in the great hall.

I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my calculus book.

"To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

_Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that._

I will not re create a witch burning for Muggle Studies class

'To concur the world with flying monkeys' isn't a viable career choice

– not even if you are a witch

I will not ask a Hufllepuff if they're going to 'huff and puff and blow my house down'

I am not the Wicked witch of the west

– neither is Professor Umbridge

I will not organize a Junior Death Eaters Training Camp at Hogwarts. I will not hand out medals for "Hexing Harry Potter," "Endangering a teacher's life by jinxing," or "Throwing a person from the Astronomy Tower."

- I will not send the latter to Professor Snape and make him an honorary member.

I will not charm Percy Weasley's prefect badges to yell 'I'm in love with myself' every time he walks

The Easter bunny is not Jesus' animgus form

I will not sign up the Great Lake at Hogwarts for the summer Olympics swimming competitions

I will not tell Oliver Wood that Quidditch is cancelled forever

– after saying this I will not tell him its Marcus Flints fault

I will not tell Ron Weasley that his sister was caught snogging any of the following: Draco Malfoy, Any other Slytherin, Michael Corner, Any other Ravenclaw, Zacharias Smith, Any other Hufflepuff, Neville Longbottom, Any other Gryffindor

– or any other of the Weasleys for that matter

Asking Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger 'when's the wedding?' is only funny the first time

I will not lock the Gryffindor's and Slytherin's in a room and take bets on who will come out alive

I will not start a howler chain letter

I am not allowed to ask Draco Malfoy 'if your parents got divorced would they still be cousins?'

I will not tell Dobby that Harry Potter's one greatest desire is for a pit bull named 'Voldemort'

I will not tell Professor McGonagall about the great Muggle enhancer out there called 'Botox'

I will not tell her that it would make those thin tight lips of hers into' pouty bodacious things'

I will not set Ravenclaws the task of calculating the exact value of Pi

Getting the sorting hat drunk only makes his song funny the first time

I will not write a musical about Voldemort life called 'Riddle-De-Dee'

I will not tell Professor Trelawney that my tea cup say she's lying

I will not imitate Steve Irwin while in Care of Magical Creatures class

– even if I have the best fake Australian accent

I will not put a paper sign on Firenze's back saying 'Pony Rides: 3 Sickles'

Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not 'Extra credit for Herbology'

I will not add a spoonful of sugar to each potion I make, Mary Poppins was NOT a brewer of potions

Stealing first-years' clothing and then tossing it into and around the Whomping Willow is highly frowned upon

- I am also not allowed to tell them that the Whomping Willow is inaccurately named and is actually a wonderful spot for peaceful reading.

I will not tell Harry Potter that he is fictional and that everything he has worked for is nothing more than a couple of bestselling novels and loads of bad fanfiction

**A/N- I think that is a good ending **

**Review please! I need reviews to live! **

**Sorry if I stole yours, I just thought they were really funny (PM me and I will give you credit!)**


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